Torn

tear

verb 

1. to pull apart or in pieces by force, especially so as to leveraged or irregular edges. Synonyms: rend, rip, rive. Antonyms: mend, repair, sew.
2. to pull or snatch violently; wrench away with force
3. to distress greatly: anguish that tears the heart. Synonyms: break, crack, shatter, afflict.
4. to divide or disrupt: a country torn by civil war. Synonyms:disunite, split, splinter. Antonyms: unite, reunite, join, bind.
5. to wound or injure by or as if by rending; lacerate. Synonyms: cut, mangle, slash.

Yesterday was my birthday. Yesterday was also the day I received divorce papers. I knew they were coming…I’ve known they were coming for almost three years. That didn’t change the deep sadness I felt when I saw my name on that attorney’s envelope.
No matter the reason for the end of our marriage, this is not what God intended. When we stood at the altar in July of 1999, the three of us created a covenant that was not designed to be broken. The end of a marriage is a tearing of that covenant that feels very much like a physical tearing, but one that can’t be mended with stitches or an antibiotic and a bandaid. It’s a deep wrenching of soul and spirit, inflicting pain that is not quickly healed.
The first year of our separation, I was a basket case. I cried at the drop of a hat, because for years I had put up a wall that was not easily breached, erected to protect me from the pain of a relationship that desperately needed healing. I woke up each day for weeks feeling my stomach drop seconds after my eyes opened, realizing that it was not a dream…he was not home, the bed was empty and probably would be for years, maybe forever. I counted my blessings on the nights when I actually did sleep, since once I turned out the lights (some nights I didn’t bother doing even that), every sound was seemingly magnified by loudspeakers.  I felt varying degrees of anger, sadness, frustration, rejection, devastation, shame, guilt, furiousness, relief, hopefulness, hopelessness, depression, exhilaration, exhaustion, worthlessness, yet gratefulness and so blessed. The body of Christ came alongside me in so many ways, both physical and spiritual. My heavenly Father used my earthly father to meet many needs. At one point I remember realizing that if I made a list of every problem I had before my husband left, it would no longer apply – He had met every need. I just didn’t have my husband.
The second year of our separation I began to accept it was over and tried to begin figuring out who I was without him. What were my likes and dislikes? How did I want to decorate what was now my home? Who did I want to spend my time with? What relationships were important to me? What were my goals – physical, spiritual, financial? Where did I want to go to church? How was I going to provide for myself? I wish I could say I had succeeded answering these questions. Many of them are still unanswered. I had so disappeared into the relationship that at age 38 I’m now discovering who I really am.
Since March, I’ve been marking time…counting the passing weeks and thinking I was ready, beyond ready even, for those final papers to arrive. I just wanted to put it behind me, to try to move on and stop living in the limbo of being single for all practical purposes, but not actually single. It’s kind of hard to join a singles group when you are in fact still married. I wanted to get the name change behind me, get past those inevitable questions…”oh you have a new last name. Did you get married?” “Well no…I got divorced.” Is there a graceful way of answering that question? I don’t want anyone to feel badly for asking, they have no way of knowing. I’m in no way ready for a new relationship, I just desire to put this behind me and begin living what is now my life.
Yesterday when I pulled that envelope out of the mailbox, I kept waiting to feel the joy, the relief that they were finally here. But I didn’t feel that at all. Just a sadness that this is where we are, so far away from what we intended and promised each other and our Lord on that hot summer day. How did it all go wrong? How did we get so far from the dreams we had? When did we cross the line from love and passion to dread and disrespect?
I don’t have the answers. All those feelings of anger and hurt and sadness that I thought I’d dealt with have come bubbling back to the surface, and I knew they would. Several friends warned me this would happen. I do know that Jehovah Jireh has provided for me over and over again. He has become my husband and He is the best husband a woman could ask for. There is great relief in that reality. And great comfort knowing that He will make beauty from these ashes, and He will use this death for my good, according to His purpose. After all, ‘many are the plans in a man’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.’ (Prov. 19:21)

The ugly cry

I know I’m a bit behind everyone else in seeing/sharing this, but this little moment of worship sent me into the ugly cry.

Thank you Lord for Your sacrifice, making it possible to spend eternity with You. And hopefully someday sing like this! :-0

Goals for 2009

I think I’m beginning to accept that procrastination is a huge part of my personality. For instance, it’s almost halfway thru January, and I’m just now getting around to thinking thru my goals for 2009.

I’ve seen this around blogland, and I’m feeling the need to document things this year, both in my personal life, spiritual life and in my crafty-life.

Personal/Home:

  • Get Direct TV. This is not a lofty goal, more of a to-do; and prompted by the fact that I’m trying to watch the Golden Globes and my digital tuner keeps cutting out. REALLY frustrating. I read in today’s paper that the government coupons are all gone…and this is something I’ve wanted for a couple of years now, so I think I’m worth it. DH may not agree – he feels that when we have cable TV, we tend to watch too much of it, and in different rooms, so we don’t spend enough time together. I would agree, but I think if we did have it again, especially when he gets back to working days instead of nights, we can cuddle on the couch while watching Turner Classic Movies.  (in the time it took to type this one paragraph, my TV still hasn’t tuned back in to NBC. UGH!)
  • Get my house clean. REALLY clean. I don’t mean spotless, I just mean out of the CHAOS state it’s been in forever. I plan to use Flylady to do this…babysteps. This is beyond frustrating for me because I want it clean NOW, but I keep reminding myself that it didn’t get into this state overnight, and it won’t get clean overnight. But I would like to be able to have friends and relatives over by March and not cringe when the doorbell rings.
  • Begin meal planning and cooking again.  Most days cooking feels like a chore to me, especially after a long day at work, and that’ s a shame because I really enjoy cooking. And I really enjoy homecooked food, instead of the frozen stuff we eat most nights. And we need to save money; it’s ridiculous how much we spend for food each month. I’ve got a literal ton of cookbooks, many of which I’ve never made a single recipe from. I want to change that.
  • Get daily/weekly/monthly/biannual/annual cleaning routines into a calendar I will use on a regular basis. I don’t know if that will be one in Microsoft Works, Microsoft calendar (or whatever is on my computer) or Google calendar, or something else.
  • Begin using technology to my advantage – using OneNote, Evernote, Google Docs, etc. Find out more about what technology is out there and customize it to my needs.  Find more ways to use my computer to my advantage…I know it can do so very much to help me organize my life, and I’m not utlizing it to its full advantage.
  • Buy or have A build bookshelves and other items around the house that are desperately needed…like a kitchen table, instead of a pool table, in our dining room. 🙂
  • Begin keeping a binder of decorating ideas and really planning how I want our house to look – in terms of paint, linens, curtains, furniture, etc. Maybe hire a decorator or artistic friend to help me with this.
  • Start maintaining regular contact with my friends. I’ve been a real slacker lately in terms of emailing my good friends, and I never call my best friends, which is awful.

Spiritual:

  • Begin having a regular quiet time. I’m terrible at this; I want to do it in the morning so the rest of my day goes smoothly, but I hate losing sleep. I’ve read and reread Laine’s letters and know how much I would grow spiritually and how much both my life and my husband’s life would benefit if I would just make the sacrifice to do this.
  • Begin going thru the many, many bible studies I have. Like Beth Moore’s studies, Elizabeth George studies, Experiencing God, etc. I want this year to b e a year of spiritual GROWTH, instead of the a stagnant life .
  • Find a church (whether a new one or the one where we are members) and begin attending regularly. I’d like to get involved in a women’s study if possible and meet some women my own age.
  • Read thru the entire bible this year.
  • Make it my mission to have a significantly better marriage by the end of the year, by praying for my husband daily and attending a FamilyLife Weekend to Remember marriage conference.

Crafts/Hobbies:

  • Set up a studio at home for quilting and knitting. Get my yarn organized and put away.
  • Get my yarns photographed and put into Ravelry.
  • Get my Ravelry queue in order and cleaned up. I didn’t take advantage of the ‘favorites’ feature as intended when I first joined, so I have tons of things in my queue that I won’t actually knit.
  • Try my hand at colorwork.
  • Finish or frog my UFO’s. And there are MANY.
  • Finish the Christmas wall hanging quilt I’ve started.
  • Complete at least two of the other quilts I’ve purchased material for.
  • Make at least 16 pairs of socks this year.
  • Make a pair of mittens.
  • Knit one classic cardigan that I will actually wear.